Harry Potter and the Goblet of Cocaine
by Blunt1
Summary: Harry Potter is at his 6th year of Hogwarts. Ron and his family are having trouble with the Muggle Police before they leave for Hogwarts and 2 boys, ages 7 and 4, are going to attempt to kill Harry... you'll never guess who comes to help...
1. Retard House

They called it the Retard House. Everyone was afraid to go in or even look at it!! There is a legend behind it all, let me tell you about it...  
  
Supposedly, there was a family living in the house at about 1920. They were called the Highers. They were a very rich family and smoked a lot. The parents were Dope, the dad, and Weed, the mom. They had 2 kids, 2 boys, which were named Coke and Crack. Coke had dark brown hair, shaped like a giant afro. He always had a cigarette in it, which was not lit (thank God). He had dark brown eyes and looked albino by the color of his skin. One story says Coke, and his little brother, Crack made out under their bed. But that is the one I don't believe, The one i believe is Coke was 7 and Crack was 4. They slept in the doghouse, outside, because their mom and dad could care less about them. Even though they were rich, the parents decided to not waste their money on a room for them both, which leads to them sleeping in the dog house. The scary part is, they slept together in the doghouse, which was quite small. The paint was fading, and used to be a bright red color. It was made of wood and nails stuck out in every direction. Of course, no dog ever lived in the house, it was built for no good reason at all. Now, the boys didn't appreciate their parents much. They disrespected them very much. One night, when the moon was shining quite bright, the two boys woke up because of the rain beating down on the dog house roof like a drum. They went into the real house, and typed in the code to the bookcase. It opened, and inside they found guns of every size and shape. Coke took a triple-barreled shotgun, while Crack gave himself a flame thrower. The boys did not ever know about the bookcase. But what else do you expect from a story like this? They snuck through the house, up the twisting stairs which lead to the master bedroom. Dope and Weed were fast asleep. They woke up with a start as Coke took the last step up the stairs. "Who's there?!?!? Show yourself you coward!" Dope barked into the darkness. The boys stood like statues. They didn't move a muscle, but they moved their ears back and forth. Coke jumped up into the bedroom door and pulled the trigger. BANG. He hit something, but he didn't know what he hit. He pounced on the floor like a cat, with his heart beating. Crack, ran into the bedroom, and torched the bed, the rug, and Weed's long hair, which later caught her whole body on fire and died. Oh, did mention Crack was a little insane and a little retarded? Well, besides killing Weed and Dope, he also killed himself. Coke ran into the room, pulled down his pants, and started peeing on the fire, thinking it might burn out, but obviously, it just grew bigger, then he ran out of pee. He was so scared, he took a dump on the floor and fainted. His head smashed into the log, and woke up a few hours later in, well, hell. That is why they call it, the Retard House. 


	2. Fleur?

Back at the Dursleys, Harry couldn't wait for his summer vacation too end (how much stupider could you get?). He hated the dursleys, the dursleys house and every little thing about the Dursleys. Especially Dudley; Dudley, the fat kid who only ate food and watched TV; The one who insulted Harry every chance he got. but not anymore. With magic spells on Harry's side, he has now the advantage over Dudley. What a pig he is. Harry could remember it like yesterday. They were fleeing from the home in England. They took a boat out to an island during a very brutal storm. It was he, Harry's 11 birthday. Of course no presents from the fat mess club, the Dursleys. He was awoken by a bang on the door. BAM!! The door flew off the hinges and in popped in a giant person. He looked like a monster. (I'll skip on) So Dudley took the cake and started to eat it. PIG! Anyway, Hagrid, the big monster guy wearing a ruffled-sort-of-coat took out what seemed to be an ordinary umbrella. but it was the total opposite. He shot what seemed to be a lightning bolt at Dudley at the ass. Out popped a pig's tail. He dropped the cake and started running around screaming while Hagrid and Harry stood there laughing. (I'll skip more) Harry felt so good thinking about that. A smile, which looked to be too big for his face, appeared. He had an excellent idea. "Hey.er. Dudley.Can I bother you for some help?"  
  
"What do you want Potta?" Dudley replied as he took a bite out of a cupcake.  
  
"Well.er. I wanted to.er. know how to work the TV in my room," Harry was saying it as he was going along.  
  
"Do it yo'self scar face!" Dudley said with a full mouth. Just the response Harry wanted. or something like it.  
  
"Well, I don't know what to do with this scrumchpchess cake I have here," Harry pulled out a cake from behind his back. Harry had a grin all over his face saying, "Come and get it fatboy". The cake was from his first year at Hogwarts. He remembered stealing it from the kitchen. I guess he never had the chance to eat it. but now it was his chance to use it. There was mold all inside the cake. The frosting was dripping on the plate supporting the cake. He memorized what Fred and George Weasley had put into the cake: Lumping Lizard whip, Waggin' Woof Whale Treats and Canary cream, All of which had a distinct way of reacting; The Lizard cream gave the person who ate it a tail on their "backside" which extended to about 10 feet; The Whale treats in which made him lose all of his teeth and left an empty mouth; and the canary cream which made him turn into a canary with a large bunch of feathers. Harry could picture it now. But Harry didn't want to picture the punishment he would get from Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. TOO LATE!! Dudley already had his eyes all over the cake. He started to drool.  
  
"I-If. I. he-he-help you w-with your t-tv, you w-will. give m-me that c- cake?" Drool poured down his shirt like a water fountain. He started to sweat a little.  
  
"Yes, I suppose," Said Harry in a casual manor. He chuckled, but then suddenly stopped because he didn't want Dudley to get suspicious.  
  
"Cake first, Harry," He said what seemed to be as fast as possible.  
  
"My pleasure," Harry agreed with a smirk. He handed over the.. im not sure I can call it a cake. "experiment" and sat down in the nearest seat. Dudley looked at him then grabbed a handful of cake right out of the center. With no suspicion shown, he gobbled down the piece of "experiment". Now the fun started.  
  
Dudley stood there looking satisfied one moment, the other he grew a 10 foot tail out of his arse. He shrieked! Five of his teeth dropped out at once... then the rest. He shrieked again! Then he grew feathers all over his body, yellow to be exact and he shrieked louder than standing next to a tree that was hit with a lightning bolt. It hurt Harry's ears so he took out his wand and said, "Shutio Upayo", and the noise stopped but his mouth was open just as wide.  
  
When Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia got back later that night, they scolded Harry and gave him 50 lashes in the ass. Oww... gotta hurt!  
  
He woke up the next morning with the alarm screaming into his ear "WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!" The Dursleys set it for him to wake up at 6:00 AM for no good reason. Harry put on his glasses and got out of bed. He could hear Dudley snoring and Uncle Vernon slapping himself in his sleep (yes, it was normal for him). Harry went over to the door and turned the knob. It was locked!! He knew not to scream or make any noises or the Dursleys might throw him out the window and make him sleep in the bushes outside. No, Harry didn't want that. So he turned on his light at his desk. BANG! Something hit the window. Harry opened the window and looked down. He saw Ron's owl, Errol, lying on the ground with an envelope in his mouth. He got up and flew over to Harry's window. Harry greeted him into his room, "Hello Errol." The owl looked at Harry with suspicious eyes. Harry had a feeling something was wrong. He went over to his desk and sat down. He opened the letter and read it outloud, as if Errol was listening, but he did it in a very quiet voice:  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
How are you, Harry? Something really bad happened to me and my family. We were kicked out of the burrow for a week by the muggle police. We are living in the Diagon Alley Motel for now. The muggle police were searching for the goblet me and my family had. I'm sorry, but I am not allowed to tell anyone about it. All I can say is that it is called the Goblet of Cocaine. We are not exactly sure what cocaine is, but it is very white and powdery. George licked a whole lot into his mouth and felt all dizzy. He threw up a few minutes later also. We hid it in the house somewhere, and that I can not tell you either. Harry, me, George, and Fred are coming to get you so you can help us figure out what to do, since you know how muggle life is. We will be there tomorrow. Pack your stuff up and be ready when we come. Don't tell the mugles what is going on. Dad bought a new flying car. And this one has a invisibility button that actually works. Well, i should get going now.  
  
YourFriend,  
  
Ron  
  
Harry was just fine until he read the word "cocaine" again. "Holy cruddler," Harry thought to himself. He decided to get packing. He took out his big case from in his closet which had his Firebolt and his broom kit Hermoine had gotten him for Christmas a few years ago. Oh no! The Dursleys always locked his magic stuff in the cupboard downstairs. "No problem," Harry thought... but he thought wrong. He went into the shed outside by sneaking out from his windows. He got a jack hammer and crossbar and headed for the cupboard. First, with the hammer, he hit the lock 10 times with it, but no damage done. Then he took out the cross bar and started wacking at it; still no use. So he headed back to the shed, but he found more than a flame thrower type thing, he saw Uncle Vernon standing in the front door way. " Hello Harry," Uncle Vernon said in the nicest but strangest voice, "It's nice out isn't it?" Meanwhile, outside rain was pouring and thunderstorms struck the earth with giant lightning bolts.  
  
"Er...yea... top o' the mornin' to ya Uncle...er... I mean Vernon," Harry replied in the most British accent that he could find in his voice box. "Can I go into the shed now Vernon?"  
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry, yea, sure sure, go on in," Vernon replied. Harry had a puzzled look on his face as if he were about to throw up his intestines. He headed into the shed and tripped over a rake. Clueless he was as the rake hit him straight into the forehead. He fell back and hit his head on the cold, solid ground. "Damn that hurt like the devil," Harry whispered to himself, not wanting to wake his uncle from his trance he was in. He got up, holding on what he thought was the wooden table, but it felt like flesh; cold, wet skin. He could smell a type of strong perfume in the air. Harry thought he was going to pass out when he heard a voice...  
  
"'ello there 'arry," the unknown stranger said. The lights flickered and he saw the outline of the person he was holding hands with. It appeared to be a girl. "Zis place is very messy, eh?" Harry knew right away who it was.  
  
"Fleur, what in the world are you doing here? You scared the living cruddler out of me!" Harry half-bellowed. He felt mad but at the same time happy to see Fleur. Her veela crap must be turned to the "ON" position.  
  
"I 'ad to see you Harry. I can't live anuzere day wizout you. I mizz you a lot 'arry. I 'eard were you lived to so i decided to vizit you. I that ok?" The lights were now turned on and stayed in that position.  
  
"Of course it's fine Fleur, but you were the last person I would expect in my shed," Harry replied. He looked down and saw all his pajamas covered in dirt.  
  
"Ok, at least i know I am welcomed. So 'arry, 'ow 'ave you been?" Fleur now had a smile on her face. She looked at Harry, seeing all the dirt on him and looked back up... yea, still the same smile. Harry was glad she didn't care he was a wreck at the time.  
  
"Fleur, would you do me a BIG favor? I'm willing to trust you with it," Harry asked her looking as serious as he can.  
  
"Yes 'arry, anything," Fleur replied, "what iz it you need?" Fleur's smile was shrinking by the second into, not a frown, but straight lips. She seemed curious at the time. There was a long beat before Harry answered....  
  
"I need you to get me a flame-thrower-type-thing from the shed for me and meet me at the cupboard in the house. It is on the first story right when you open the front door.  
  
"Sure," Fleur said, and with a turn into the other direction, Harry was racing toward the cupboard. He arrived at the cupboard with the lock still in the same place. Harry was hoping it might've broke when he went out to the shed... but no. He waited a minute before he heard Fleur's voice in what seemed like a yell.  
  
"'ARRY!!! WHERE ARE YOU 'ARRY?" Fleur bellowed from the other end of the house. Harry got up from his pron position to aid Fleur's mind that the front door was in the front.  
  
"Fleur, shut the hell up! What the devil do you think you're doing screaming like that in a house filled with sleeping muggles, very harsh muggles to add to it. See, the front door is kinda in the FRONT of the house, as you came BARGING into te house from the BACKDOOR. That's the lesson of the day, learn something new everyday. Now I gotta learn how to use this damn thing," Harry took the flame-thrower-thing from Fleur's grip. Fleur now had a frown on her face. A scream suddenly rang their ears out of nowhere.  
  
"What the 'ELL was that?" Fleur asked.  
  
"Oh, it's just the drunk homeless guy in the basement... no biggy," Harry started his way to the lock when he heard foot steps. Then something creaked which meant someone was on the last step of the stairs. He turned the corner to find Dudley lying unconscious on the ground next to the last step.  
  
"Iz that the 'omeless guy?" Fleur asked looking disgusted.  
  
"No, that's Dudley, but i bet the homeless guy's life means more to society than his. Let's get to work," and with that, Harry started flaming the lock. SNAP! The lock broke and harry tugged it off the door. He opened the cupboard door slowly not to make much noise and saw everything he wanted in their; his broom, wand, and everything else he needed to go to Hogwarts ('Ogwarts in Fleur's case) other than the books he needed for the new year, but he would get those when he went to Diagon Alley with the Weasleys.  
  
He climbed the stairs with Fleur right behind him, " Fleur, how did you get here in the first place?" Harry asked curiously. He didn't get an answer so he turned around when he got at the top of the stairs. No Fleur; noone but Dudley at the end of the stairs, but he didnt care much about him so he headed to his room where Fleur was bouncing on his bed like it was a trampoline, "what the HELL do you think you're doing? Are you crazy? Do you WANT to wake up these muggles?"  
  
" Of course not 'arry. I was just trying it out, you know, a test drive," Fleur replied in a casual voice. Harry got a hold of her legs and pulled her down onto the bed. He heard a rumbling noise outside and they both turned to the window and saw yellow lights. "Hey Harry!". It was Ron in his new flying car with his dad in the driver seat. 


End file.
